


Humans Only Have One Blood Color

by AOrange



Series: Fruity Rumpus Afterlife Road Trip [11]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Movie Watching, Paintball, can be read independently of series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 11:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/899827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AOrange/pseuds/AOrange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Paintball scenes are always one hundred percent awesome. That is, until the trolls point out that it's probably the most depraved thing they've ever witnessed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Humans Only Have One Blood Color

Life is pretty good right now, considering that you witnessed the apocalypse firsthand. You've made intergalactic friends that don't, for the most part, want to slice and dice your body to see how humans work. You've even got yourself an alien babe for a girlfriend which you are pretty sure is exactly one hundred and eighty percent cooler than you ever expected it could be, not that you spent your childhood wanting an alien babe for a girlfriend. Egbert would be so fucking jealous if he could see you right now, he probably spent years wanting an alien babe girlfriend, it seems like the kind of thing he'd want. 

Said alien babe girlfriend is currently sitting beside you on the couch, legs crossed and leaning forward slightly to get a better sniff at the tv screen. She's got some mad skills, what with the smellovision and everything. She says you look like lava and some other things that you've forgotten already because looking like lava is a goal that everyone should strive for. She'd tried to sit down on your lap when the movie started but you'd said nah, take up as much space as you can so someone else has to sit on the floor. So she had. You don't know why no ones bothered to alchemise more than one couch. 

You've seen this movie like six times already so it doesn't matter that you're glancing at the others from behind your shades instead of watching. Terezi's fidgeting beside you because she never quite seems to sit still, a trait you've discovered carries over into her sleep habits. You woke up one morning to find her on the floor rather than in her pile without any recollection of how it happened. Next to her is the Mayor, because god damn if he wasn't getting a prime location in front of the box. He's just excited to be in on the group activities and you'll be damned if that's not the cutest fucking thing you've ever seen. Kanaya is sitting in the armchair with Rose perched on a few pillows by her feet, no surprises there. Karkat, in true Vantas style, pitched a shitfit when there were no seats left and made a big show of sprawling himself out on the floor. You didn't bother pointing out that the bean chair was tucked behind the couch, and you were less likely to tell him it was you that put it there in the first place. 

Terezi shrieks from beside you. 

DAVE: wait what  
DAVE: this isnt even a horror movie  
DAVE: do you seriously scream when you watch horror movies  
DAVE: the kinda movie this isnt

You look over to Rose, who just shrugs and goes back to her book. You suddenly realise Kanaya hasn't been watching either and has instead been reading over your ectosister's shoulder.

TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK 4R3 TH3Y DO1NG?  
DAVE: reading  
TEREZI: NO 1N TH3 MOV13 YOU DUMB4SS  
TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT TH4T HUM4NS ONLY H4D ON3 BLOOD COLOR  
DAVE: we do weve been over this like twelve times  
TEREZI: SO WHY 1S TH4T DOUCH3B4G BL33D1NG Y3LLOW?  
DAVE: what hes not bleeding theyre playing paintball  
DAVE: what did you think was going on  
KARKAT: WAIT SO THEY'RE NOT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER?  
DAVE: dude what no  
DAVE: its a game  
DAVE: they were chilling together in the last scene why would they go from bros to murder bros  
DAVE: like i know that happens on your planet  
DAVE: but its not really a thing on earth  
KARKAT: THIS IS A GAME?  
DAVE: yeah you guys dont do paintball what the fuck  
TEREZI: OH MY GOG, 4R3 TH3Y M4RK1NG 34CH OTH3R W1TH TH31R BLOOD COLORS?  
TEREZI: W4S TH4T GUY 4 LOWBLOOD 4LL 4LONG?  
TEREZI: HOLY SH1T TH1S JUST GOT R34LLY 1NT3R3ST1NG  
DAVE: did it  
KARKAT: DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATIONS OF THE LOWBLOOD MARKING THE HIGHBLOOD WITH HIS COLOR? CAN YOUR PRIMITIVE FUCK BACKWARDS SOCIETY EVEN GRASP WHAT YOU'VE DONE HERE?  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: but im speaking for regular fuck backwards strider here not all of humanity  
KARKAT: LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS JUST INCREDIBLY CLASSIST OR BORDERLINE OBSCENE.  
DAVE: dude seriously  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY.  
DAVE: you guys remember we dont do bloodcastes right  
DAVE: this is like a thing that you should know by now  
TEREZI: Y34H BUT TH3 LOWBLOOD JUST M4D3 TH3 H1GHBLOOD H1S B1TCH  
DAVE: whos the highblood  
TEREZI: TH4T GUY  
DAVE: hes not a highblood hes a douchebag  
TEREZI: SO 4R3 MOST H1GHBLOODS  
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT MEANS A LOT COMING FROM YOU.  
TEREZI: 1 4M NOT 3X4CTLY TH4T H1GH  
TEREZI: BUT 1T 1S NOT H4RD TO B3 H1GH3R TH4N YOU  
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3  
DAVE: yo arent you like a mutant  
KARKAT: YEAH, NOW THE JOKE IS DEFINITELY AMUSING. THANK YOU, DAVE, FOR EXPLAINING WHAT DIDN'T NEED EXPLAINING. WITHOUT YOUR INABILITY TO COMPREHEND A JOKE WITHOUT DISSECTING IT ALOUD FOR ALL TO HEAR, I NEVER WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD THAT I WAS LOWER ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM THAN A TEALBLOOD. THANK FUCK FOR THAT.  
DAVE: youre welcome  
KARKAT: THAT WASN'T FUCKING SINCERITY YOU ABSOLUTE NOOKSTAIN.  
DAVE: yeah i know but like we all know youre one of the troll x men anyway so i dont know why youre flipping out  
TEREZI: C4N YOU GUYS SHUT UP OR T4K3 TH1S SH1T SOM3WH3R3 3LS3?   
TEREZI: TH3 LOWBLOOD IS DY1NG  
DAVE: hes not a lowblood  
DAVE: rose back me up here  
DAVE: and hes not even dying paintball guns dont use bullets  
TEREZI: LOOK 4T H1M H3 1S CL34RLY DY1NG  
KARKAT: OH GOD. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE EVEN ABOUT ANYMORE?  
DAVE: guys seriously hes not dying  
DAVE: well not dying dying  
DAVE: asshole wasnt wearing all the gear  
DAVE: and yeah im pretty sure that getting shot in the nads with a paintball feels like death  
DAVE: but hes not dying  
KARKAT: JESUS FUCK I CAN'T WATCH THIS ANYMORE.  
KARKAT: JUST SO YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T THE KIND OF SHIT YOU WATCH IN PUBLIC.   
DAVE: its fucking paintball whats your damage  
TEREZI: H3 JUST COV3R3D TH3 HIGHBLOOD IN H1S OWN BLOOD COLOR  
DAVE: yeah im starting to see why youre thinking that  
TEREZI: Y34H BUT LOOK WH3R3 H3 M4RK3D H1M  
DAVE: is guys getting hit in the nuts not funny on trollopolis  
TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW BUT TH1S 1S CL41M1NG SOM3ON3 W1TH YOUR BLOOD COLOUR  
KARKAT: AND THE GUY IS CLEARLY A LOWBLOOD, THIS KIND OF SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN IN WIGGLER-FRIENDLY MOVIES.  
TEREZI: B4S1C4LLY TH1S 1S TH3 F1LTH1EST TH1NG YOU COULD H4VE CHOS3N TO W4TCH W1TH COMP4NY H3R3  
DAVE: oh fuck  
DAVE: rose please help me out here  
DAVE: rosie  
TEREZI: TH1NK OF TH3 M4YOR!  
DAVE: rosie help explain this shit because i keep fucking it up  
DAVE: man what if i did fuck up the mayor  
DAVE: are you okay man  
DAVE: shit  
ROSE: Are you panicking?  
DAVE: nope

You are panicking. You can't fucking do anything around here without one troll or another thinking that you're out to wound their souls or force them into some kind of fucked up situation. It's worse because from what they've told you, you're watching their equivalent of some of Bro's films, and not the ones he roped you into somehow helping him create. The ones he filmed while you were at school, stored on encrypted drives, and hosted on a separate site. 

You'd never thought paintball could get so fucked up. 

Terezi screeches again, leaning so far forward on the couch that she's probably not far off slipping from the edge. Karkat is chewing on the corner of his thumbnail, trying to tear his eyes away but unable to actually go through with it; you roll your eyes. The guy just got shot in the chest. No big deal. 

Apparently it is a big deal. Even Kanaya is avoiding the screen, her cheeks slightly flushed as she buries her nose in a novel she's pulled out of nowhere. You watch Rose pat her knee reassuringly.

DAVE: no seriously what the fuck is going on   
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY? HERE'S WHAT'S SERIOUSLY GOING ON. THAT LOWBLOOD, THE ONE BLEEDING YELLOW BECAUSE FUCK YOU I KNOW YOU DIDN'T LISTEN BEFORE, JUST MARKED THE HIGHBLOOD, THE ONE BLEEDING THAT DEEP PURPLE THERE, WITH HIS OWN BLOOD COLOR.   
DAVE: yeah so whys this one got kanaya all worked up   
KARKAT: HE MARKED HIS HEART YOU SACK OF SHIT. THE LOWBLOOD BASICALLY BRANDED THE HIGHBLOOD'S HEART WITH HIS OWN BLOOD COLOUR.   
TEREZI: 1TS SO F1LTHY   
KARKAT: IT'S OBSCENE. IT'S ALSO PRETTY FUCKING ROMANTIC IN SOME TWISTED WAY BUT WHATEVER.   
TEREZI: YOUR3 LOV1NG TH1S 4R3NT YOU K4RKL3S   
KARKAT: NO, I AM NOT LOVING THIS. THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT YOU'D DENY KNOWING EXISTED IF YOUR LUSUS WALKED IN ON YOU WATCHING IT. YOU'D BE ALL WHAT THE FUCK CRABDAD GET OUT NO I WAS TRYING TO FIND THAT SHITTING EXCUSE FOR A COOKING COMPETITION NOW GET OUT. YOU WOULDN'T INVITE HIM IN TO WATCH IT WITH YOU. YOU'D THROW YOURSELF OUT THE WINDOW TO THE DAYWALKERS RATHER THAN ADMIT TO WATCHING THIS.   
TEREZI: YOUR LUSUS C4UGHT YOU W4TCH1NG TH1S SH1T D1DNT HE?   
KARKAT: NO THAT WAS JUST AN EXAMPLE.   
TEREZI: OH MY GOG!   
KARKAT: CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE NOW?   
DAVE: yeah i dont know how we went from paintball to your dad walking in on you watching pornos  
DAVE: like i didnt need to hear that shit   
TEREZI: YOU KNOW THOS3 4R3 H1S F4VOR1T3 K1ND OF MOV13S R1GHT?   
DAVE: what pornos   
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3   
KARKAT: THAT'S IT, I'M CALLING STRIFE WITHIN THE WAKE CYCLE. AND NO, NOT *PORNOS* YOU BULGELICKING ENIGMA OF DOUCHEBAGGERY. PLAIN AND SIMPLE ROMANCES.   
DAVE: so thats what they call them up on troll planet  
DAVE: hey rose cant you call them out on some shitty pseudo-psychoanalytic bullshit   
ROSE: No, because I can see their point.

That's wiped the smirk off your face. What does she mean she can see their point? She's supposed to be on your side. Bros stick up for bros even when they're dead wrong, which you are not. You should replace one of the 'bro's with a 'sis' but you don't think that's exactly the point of this interaction. You give her a pathetic look and even throw in an attempt at a quivering upper lip but you know you look like a complete douchelord so you quit it before she says anything. 

DAVE: what point  
ROSE: That I can see why the benign pastime of paintball could be interpreted as something more through the eyes of our creators.  
DAVE: oh god dont remind them what they are theyre obnoxious enough  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET LALONDE SPEAK.  
ROSE: Thank you, Karkat. I'm not saying that I think it's turned one of your shitty buddy films into a live adaptation of a Mills and Boon, but I see where they're coming from.  
KARKAT: A LIVE WHAT?  
ROSE: I'll try to alchemise you some, I think you'll love them.  
KARKAT: HUH, THANKS.  
ROSE: Pleasure. But the point, to finally get to it, is that it does look like varying shades of blood are erupting from the bodies that the paintballs hit. I can understand where they're coming from, that's all. The additional connotations of romance are just what comes naturally from growing up in their society.   
DAVE: its fuckin paintball  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD THEY'RE HOOKING UP.   
DAVE: what now  
DAVE: hes helping his bro up from the ground  
DAVE: thats it  
TEREZI: WH4T H4PP3NS N3XT?  
KARKAT: SHUT UP AND WATCH.   
TEREZI: OH GOG TH1S 1S G3TT1NG B3TT3R  
DAVE: its just a fuckin brohug  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
TEREZI: SH1T  
TEREZI: 3V3N MY LUSUS WOULD B4N M3 FROM W4TCH1NG TH1S SH1T 4ND SH3 W4S BL1ND  
KARKAT: AND IN AN EGG  
TEREZI: Y34H TH4T TOO

She gives another shriek, this time as she falls forward off the edge of the couch. You roll your eyes and stand up and jesus fucking christ you still can't believe how much drama comes along with alien babes. You step over Terezi as she sprawls out on her stomach, not even trying to hide her sudden interest in your 'shitty earth movies'.

Fucking load of good having a wannabe shrink for a sister is if she's not going to tell other people they're imagining shit once in a while. 

No one questions where you're going, not even the Mayor. Fuck man, he's still glued to the screen with that goofy Mayoral grin on his face as you leave the room. Man you love that guy. 

You're still not sure if the whole alien girlfriend thing is worth it. 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GC: OH MY GOG G3T B4CK 1N H3R3  
GC: 1T JUST GOT SO BL4T3NTLY OBSC3N3 TH4T K4RK4T 1S SCR34M1NG  
GC: 1TS H1L4R1OUS  
GC: OH FUCK  
GC: NO W4Y  
GC: FUCK  
GC: YOU N33D TO S33 TH1S  
GC: TH1S 1S D1SGUST1NG  
GC: (1M NOT R34LLY COMPL41N1NG)

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

If even Egbert had told you a year ago that you'd be living on a meteor travelling through paradox space with your alien girlfriend, Rose's alien girlfriend, and your alien bro all thinking that paintball was offensive to their entire existence, you would have flown to Washington to punch him in the face.

But here you are. 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GC: OK4Y TH3Y W3NT TOO F4R 4ND NOW K4RK4TS CH4NN3LL1NG H1S D4NC3STOR  
GC: C4N YOU COM3 B4CK 4ND PUNCH H1M?

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Life is definitely still on the up.


End file.
